Cloudy Head In An Older Age

If I would’ve been warned
that getting older
wasn’t just about aging,
saying goodbye to youth, energy, supple skin & innocence,
but that it means
piles upon piles upon piles of
disappointment, regret, and
that everything that would’ve been
shrugged off
is now so heavy, so serious,
because we know there aren’t
always 2nd chances;
we know we aren’t special.
If I would’ve been properly warned,
I wouldn’t have signed up for this.



2 thoughts on “Cloudy Head In An Older Age

  1. jenny says:

    it is what you make of it. we live in this time where we can so easily access information about other people and compare our achievements to their’s, constantly upping our own expectations of what we should have achieved, and feeling failure if we haven’t accomplished as much as “that guy” has.
    you are “special”, but not any more special than anyone else. you’re just you.


    • Hmm, thanks I guess jenny.
      Problem is, I want to be more special than anyone else. What point is there to all of this if I’m just another ant in the line across the jungle? I want to stand out, I want to grow wings and see the jungle from a whole new perspective, from above the trees! I want I want I want…

      Sometimes I realize it’s all this wanting, and as you say, all this access to absolutely EVERYTHING in the world, that is the cause of our discomfort. We feel empty because we don’t have IT ALL. But “it all” can’t even be had by the whole world – she’s crumbling under the weight of all that we are, all that we’ve created.
      It is in moments like these that I am drawn back into spirituality. Into meditation. Into reading spiritual texts, especially the Tao Te Ching. Because, at the core of all this, it matters not what we have on the outside, it matters not what is happening around us, it matters not what other people are doing/accomplishing, what matters is whether we feel at home inside. Do we have peace? I know I do not. I know that the reason I am writing what I am writing and how I am writing is because I do not have inner peace, I do not feel at home in myself. In getting older, I feel less at home than I did as a younger man.


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