Stifling Myself With Depression and Perfection

While the 40degree heat is melting everyone in the city,
I’m stifling myself worse by not doing what I need to be doing, which is creating.

From today until the day I die, I am always going to have these things on my person:

  1. a pad/small sketchbook to write words in and to draw in
  2. a camera

I’m going to have these things because I need to be writing, drawing, and shooting photos every single day, for a couple reasons:

  1. doing these thing make me feel good. Sometimes it’s happiness, sometimes it’s relief from depression
  2. I want to get really good at these things, not only in a technical way, and not only to improve my confidence as an artist, but because I NEED more than anything in my life to become the artist that I’m meant to be and I know I am a looooooong way from this.

I’ve been losing my brain so badly this last week or two that I am going to aim to do nothing but write, draw, and photograph.

I need to simplify because the quest for perfection is killing me.
Rather than write a blog post (and I’ve written some rough drafts), I do not post them because I’ve set myself up – I’ve really been enjoying writing mini-essays with accompanying images here on THE MOMENT. To fully flesh out thoughts, and present them in a somewhat professional manner feels good. It’s good for my brain and my soul.

So it feels lazy and like a cop-out and just shitty to just post something brief and unarticulated. But hell, that’s just what I’m going to do from now on. I aim to post once/day.

Also with photos. I take a decent amount of photos, not shooting everyday, but still there are a TON of decent shots that I want to post that I haven’t yet because I like to touch each up just a little, bring out a little more depth, etc. But that aim for perfection holds me back from doing anything at all.
Then I wonder why I’m depressed. So from now on, if I don’t have the time, I’m going to post untouched photos.

Depression. I suffer from depression because I expect too much from myself in every single moment of the day, so I am always disappointed in myself.
I also have incredibly varying self confidence. Sometimes I feel good about myself and the world I live in. But other times (and much more often), I feel like shit and that there’s no point to anything. Because people are shit (I had a brutally discouraging Shambhala experience that shook me deeply. I will post my thoughts on this soon).

To counter this, I’m going to write, draw, and shoot every single day. Because even if I am angry when I”m doing something or sad, it feels good to get stuff out rather than keep it in. Actually, I’m learning that it’s essential.


2 thoughts on “Stifling Myself With Depression and Perfection

  1. I just found your site. This entry really hit home for me mainly because I am sitting here feeling exactly the same way. I refrain from doing my art because I’m not sure if anyone will like it, when I really should be doing it for me, not for anyone else.

    Thanks for posting such an honest look at yourself. It helps me to know I’m not the only one who feels these things.


    • stormyskies71 Thanks for reaching out and letting me know that you find yourself in the same position.
      It’s one of the reasons I’ve started delving deeper into honesty in all aspects of life, especially writing. Not only is it cathartic personally, but it can have unbelievably positive effects when read by others who identify. I know, because when I read other blogs, or autobiographical books, there are times when it’s like YES! I know how you feel!
      And then reading how that person handled their ups and downs can give us insight into our own options in our own lives.
      It’s not that I don’t appreciate abstract or poetic expression. Sometimes, though, straight up straight ahead in your face not held back honesty is exactly what is needed, to give and to receive.


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