While the 40degree heat is melting everyone in the city,
I’m stifling myself worse by not doing what I need to be doing, which is creating.
From today until the day I die, I am always going to have these things on my person:
- a pad/small sketchbook to write words in and to draw in
- a camera
I’m going to have these things because I need to be writing, drawing, and shooting photos every single day, for a couple reasons:
- doing these thing make me feel good. Sometimes it’s happiness, sometimes it’s relief from depression
- I want to get really good at these things, not only in a technical way, and not only to improve my confidence as an artist, but because I NEED more than anything in my life to become the artist that I’m meant to be and I know I am a looooooong way from this.
I’ve been losing my brain so badly this last week or two that I am going to aim to do nothing but write, draw, and photograph.
I need to simplify because the quest for perfection is killing me.
Rather than write a blog post (and I’ve written some rough drafts), I do not post them because I’ve set myself up – I’ve really been enjoying writing mini-essays with accompanying images here on THE MOMENT. To fully flesh out thoughts, and present them in a somewhat professional manner feels good. It’s good for my brain and my soul.
So it feels lazy and like a cop-out and just shitty to just post something brief and unarticulated. But hell, that’s just what I’m going to do from now on. I aim to post once/day.
Also with photos. I take a decent amount of photos, not shooting everyday, but still there are a TON of decent shots that I want to post that I haven’t yet because I like to touch each up just a little, bring out a little more depth, etc. But that aim for perfection holds me back from doing anything at all.
Then I wonder why I’m depressed. So from now on, if I don’t have the time, I’m going to post untouched photos.
Depression. I suffer from depression because I expect too much from myself in every single moment of the day, so I am always disappointed in myself.
I also have incredibly varying self confidence. Sometimes I feel good about myself and the world I live in. But other times (and much more often), I feel like shit and that there’s no point to anything. Because people are shit (I had a brutally discouraging Shambhala experience that shook me deeply. I will post my thoughts on this soon).
To counter this, I’m going to write, draw, and shoot every single day. Because even if I am angry when I”m doing something or sad, it feels good to get stuff out rather than keep it in. Actually, I’m learning that it’s essential.